Affirmations Aren't For Me

Affirmations are supposed to introduce positive change in your life through speaking positively to yourself and maybe a bit to the universe. The new belief that my therapist wants me to live by is "I do enough. I have enough. I am enough." Why? Because a lot of my issues would be solved if that was my internal dialogue.

I found that I would do my therapy sessions and she would give me a 'prompt' to write about. One week it was where was I successful vs unsuccessful in controlling my anxiety rather than it controlling me. The goal was that at the end of it, I would have documentation in front of me that would show me a pattern of behaviors that I could work on changing over time. I started doing that nightly in a journal and also documenting my stupid feeling words and my gratitude list in my day planner, next to my daily tasks and bills. (Yes, it is color coded) But as we spoke in the following weeks, we would uncover some other deep rooted belief, or behavior stemming from issues that I tucked away, buried and ignored for years. So the next list was, when in my day was I successful vs unsuccessful in controlling my negative self-talk? Then there was when was I proud of myself or sure of myself vs when I was doubting myself. Etc..etc...etc.. you get the point. So eventually I got overwhelmed. I clammed up. I stopped writing nightly. The gratitude lists stopped and my feeling words didn't exist. The pile of clean clothes on my room couch just kept getting bigger and bigger because I couldn't bring myself to hang or fold them. The chaos in my room expanded, one untouched book at a time across my floor. I stopped seeing my therapist for two months, using money or time or 'nothing new has happened' as excuses to avoid her because I was avoiding myself.

At one point I even messaged her and she took longer than 5 seconds to respond and I made an excuse and said I would check back later. But obviously, you can't run away from yourself for very long so eventually I acknowledged the obvious signs that my mental health wasn't doing so great again and reached out. I stuck to my appointment but OOF I dreaded it every week. I would schedule it either right as I woke up or right after Micah was leaving for work or something so there was a distraction almost up to the time or at least not allowing very much time to back out.

Since then, she called me out on my disappearing act because that's the type of therapist I require (the type that calls me on my shit). But I told her that the affirmations thing wasn't something I could bring myself to do in the moment. There would be self-doubt or negative self-talk throughout the day and I would recognize it and beat myself up even more for it then I'd go home and do my list or writings and then just fling in the affirmation at the end. I felt that I had a physical list of more failures than successes each day, with an occasional good day where I refused to write negatives at all, and then I would just write the affirmation for writing the affirmation sake at the end.

One day on my way to work, I was coffee fueled rambling information to a half awake Micah and I was so frustrated with myself because the things that I am trying to change completely contradict the mantra that I was trying to impose on my life. I have been working on HUGE changes for months, like I stopped hiding information from her, I correct her if she misunderstood what I was saying, and I have been putting in the freaking work. But huge changes don't happen over night and it's a constant battle with myself and my self-esteem and self-sabotaging. But I said to Micah, if I do enough, have enough, am enough, why the hell is there sooooo much to change drastically? And of course, he was supportive and had positive words to say and whatnot but I mentioned our conversation to my therapist and she thanked me for being honest. And I felt so relieved for a second because my frustration was understood and summed up very quickly and we changed our approach to my issues. She said to me that we are trying to change a belief that I have struggled with for years and that I have enough, I do enough, I am enough is not my current truth. It is the goal to make that my reality but the conflict internally that I have been experiencing by adding that phrase while trying to deconstruct and unpack my baggage is completely understandable.

There are people who can speak into existence and add positive words and just magically fix their lives. I am not one of those people. If you are, all power to ya. KUDOS because I cannot do that shit to save my life. So, because I am a very self-aware person (*brushes off shoulders*), we decided that we will refrain from adding the affirmation until I am closer to the goal. I will focus on recognizing when one of my unhealthy habits is happening and correcting them in the moment rather than trying to fix the problem in ways that conflict with each other.

This post isn't a means to show you how dysfunctional I am as a human being with an overactive brain (although it does that pretty well). I am more than happy to write for the sake of information but ultimately I hope that there's someone out there that can benefit from my mental health struggles and know that they aren't alone.

Something I am working on that give me a little boost of dopamine to reward myself for small changes to motivate me to keep striving for the bigger changes, is recognizing how much I say 'sorry' habitually. My therapist pointed out that the use of sorry is telling myself that I have done something wrong. So replacing 'sorry' with something like excuse me or eliminating the habit gradually, will go hand and hand with my self-esteem boosting. It's a CHALLENGE. I literally say sorry 800 times a day, ranging from oops I walked in your path to accidentally bumping into someone. They weren't intentional mistakes and me saying sorry is not actually apologizing it's just a habit. So yes, I still say sorry but I try to correct it afterwards OUT LOUD (like a crazy person) so that I can break the negative habit and replace it with a slightly positive one or at least less negative one.

I am also working on staying in the moment. I am a planner. I have been a planner my entire life. But my time travelling to the future or to replay the past, triggers my anxiety and prevents me from enjoying the present which is the only thing I have control of currently. The past can't be changed and anticipating the future sets me up for disappointments based off my expectations or just stands in the way of realizing what's going on in my life NOW. If you are someone who lives, you have probably had conversations in the mirror in anticipation for a conversation or interview or encounter in the future. Well I do too. But, my 'what if' game is entirely too strong. I will have conversations from best case scenario to worst case scenario and repeat and edit and when I get to the big event, it is nothing like what I imagined. So I stressed myself out for no reason and I killed it because I am smart and adequately equipped with the knowledge and competency to handle any situation that is in front of me. Perfectly? No. But sufficiently. My therapist encouraged me to tell myself to stfu when I begin my conversations with myself/mirror. And I did. And then I was surprised at how difficult it was to STOP. I had to do it repeatedly. 5 minutes later I would start up again without fully realizing. Told myself to stfu. Repeated in frustration each time I realized that I had started again. I do still do this. It's not an easy change but I don't do it as much as I did a month ago and I will take that as a mental health freaking win. Progress is progress.

Recently, there have been a lot of changes in my life. Not necessarily bad changes, but changes nonetheless. I found that I've been on edge and either in recharge mode where I binge watch something on tv or paint or play Simpsons town simulator on my phone in order to turn my brain off and just do brainless activities. OR, I am in hyperactive mode where I have to keep moving and doing the absolute most. This became evident one day at work. I am usually all over the place daily at work. They need something done and they send me to replace this person then come back and replace that person or help help help and constantly moving. But, this day they had me go replace someone who was standing at a table selling sunglasses. Very close to idle work. Answer a few questions, be harassed by people about my choice to wear a mask to work, and otherwise stand there doing close to nothing. I wasn't thinking about anything in particular and obviously standing in place behind a table isn't very strenuous. But, I was having a hard time catching my breath and my heart was doing the thing I can't exactly explain where it feels like it's racing but also not beating at all? Then the lightheadedness kicked in and I couldn't figure out why. So, I took off my mask off and checked my heart rate on my watch and as suspected, standing in place, my heart rate was 99 and climbed to 102. My friend was passing by and I asked him to go into my bag and get my inhaler and gave him Micah's phone number and told him that under no circumstances does he let them call an ambulance if I pass out or don't look so good. Why? Because who the hell has $800+ to spend on an ambulance, especially when it's for a panic attack?

I wasn't sure that was what it was but then I remembered that in university, right after I moved into a dorm and my family was moving to Jamaica, and I was 16 in university with people years older than me, I was having spells of feeling lightheaded and overwhelmed and seeing black spots like I was going to pass out in the shower, almost daily. I'd have to lay on the shower floor, waiting for the spots to go away and my breathing to chill the fuck out and then I would come out of the bathroom and my roommates would rush to get me water because I looked pale and sick. Of course, my mother was concerned and we went to the doctor who sent us to a heart specialist to do some tests. Doctor said that nothing was wrong with my heart but asked if there were any changes going on. So, I mapped out my life, casually, to a stranger while wearing a stupid paper gown and he basically told me that it was stress and I was having panic attacks.

You want to know the annoying part about having a brain? (Or at least, with having my brain?) Sometimes, mine tries to kill me. Nah, I'm kidding. But, my subconscious is a hell of a thing. There are times when I KNOW why I am anxious. Sometimes (most times), I've triggered it with my time travel and mirror talks or my what ifs. But, in some instances like the ones at work, the only thing that triggered the attacks was me standing still for too long. My job isn't one that requires much from my brain, it's not my life's purpose or anything but it pays some bills and allows me to eat and have insurance and a 401k. It is a big company that exploits you when you're capable and not a moron because so many people in this world are incapable morons. It sets me apart from quite a few people in terms of advancement opportunities but also burns me out a bit. (My therapist is not a fan.) So, most tasks at work will keep me moving and busy and that is how I figured out the pattern of my panic attacks, at work at least. The 3-4 times this has occurred, I was standing still. And while this isn't something I can control, it was important to take note of and acknowledge it so I can unpack it in my sessions and potentially find a solution to avoid that $800+ ride to a room for a physician to tell me that my brain has sabotaged me, AGAIN.

My panic attacks aren't the kind that you expect. There is no crying and rocking in the corner of my room. Honestly, unless you pick up on me being short answered or I just come out and say it, no one would know it is happening. The one at the sunglasses table was happening and when a customer came up and asked questions, the symptoms were basically nonexistent. My heart rate went to a pace that didn't cripple me and I wasn't short of breath while speaking. It was like the interaction put it on hold for necessity. But it was still happening afterwards. I am a high functioning anxious/semi-depressy person. So oftentimes, unless you know me very very well, you have no idea because I don't look like the poster child for either condition. When I am depressed, I don't necessarily lock myself away and hide under the covers, I just have a harder time folding my clothes or reaching out to my friends. When I am anxious, I bite my nails more often and have a harder time folding my clothes (I hate laundry just FYI). But overall I function close to my regular self. It is only within the past couple years that I pushed myself to get better and seek help with these things and even then, in the beginning I only presented my therapist with the surface issues, the visible ones.

I know the signs and try to give that information to my loved ones to avoid alarm. I know that many times on my way to work my eyes will hurt and I start to get a headache. Why? Because my brain kicks into disassociation mode, my pupils get freakishly smalls for someone who is not on drugs, and I become sensitive to light. From what I understand, my pupils are basically minimizing themselves to take in the least amount of stimulation from my surroundings as possible. Healthy? Probably not. But a pattern I have noted. It's not only when I am going to work, but it is always when I am going towards stressful or anxiety-enhancing scenarios.

Anyways, I am sure that some of you have checked out already or have rolled your eyes because EVERYONE seems to have anxiety these days or it's just a phrase that people use to get out of tasks they don't want to do. But, for those of you who do have similar experiences, I don't want you to feel like you are the only one or that no one understands, because more often than not, I have felt that way and isolated myself from my loved ones to shield them. But that doesn't benefit them or me because it is perfectly okay to need help and ask for it, and it is great when you love people and allow them to love you back. You deserve to have people in your corner and they deserve to be let in and not kept in the dark.

And hey, guess what....

You have enough. You do enough. You are enough.

It may not feel true right now. But it is worth working towards.